I was standing outside Sri Laxmi Narayani Temple, Sripuram with one rupee coin in my hand with various thoughts running in my head. I know the thought or choice which I made on 31st December 2015 was not mine but the choice of the universe which planted the seed of thought in my mind that I should commit my life to a purpose which they wanted to fructify through me. I purchased a photograph of “Sri Anantha Padmanabhaswamy” on 29th December 2015. It was his choice to be a part of my world. He had made his decision. I saw so many photographs and idols but my eyes got glued and stuck on just his photo frame and the rest were just out of my focus. I did not understand much in those moments as to what I was committing my life to. I don’t understand much even now because the work which I am doing is still out of my head. I don’t know how much my life will change in the coming days. I am not working and my dad says career prospects for me do not exist here. What next? I don’t know. I can’t see a way out. I am waiting for the universe to show me the direction and I am ready to walk. If I don’t have a choice I don’t ask for one. I am committed to my purpose and want to see what next?
I was once a girl with lots of emotions but they died much before I became aware of it. Happiness or pain I can’t feel anything much. There are so many choices which I did not make but had to accept because it was planned by the universe. I sometimes doubt whether it is me or someone else living my life. I am not the same person anymore. My struggles, setbacks, pains, and society transformed me into a person which never existed in me and then my spiritual work. I have given much more tests than a usual person. I have lived all the pains and dark moments of my life without the outside world being aware of how much a normal girl of my caliber could endure. It was easy for me to end my life than live because the physical and mental pain had passed all limits but still I survived. People think I am a normal happy girl, the inner core is made of diamond and it can’t break and nothing in the entire universe can break it. That is the amount of pain I have endured to transform myself into the person which exists today. My close family members point out fingers at me. It is my parents who never say a word to me. Just remember one thing all the bad karmas which you accumulate have to be paid by you and you never know in what form.
I turn a deaf ear to everything which does not add to my knowledge bank. I just don’t understand why I chose such a life but it was a choice that I made prior to my birth or the seed was planted and I did not have much say in it. Whatever the case but the only reality is I am a part of the divine plan and my head is not working as to what next. I am still and hope for the best. I don’t agree with so many things which go around me and yes I do want to change it but how? Let’s see how. When there is a wish and a will the universe has to find out a way. I did not choose my past, I did not choose so much pain. Spiritual awakening may sound very fancy to the common man but the actual process is not a bed of roses. It tests you to the core and any normal person will break down. Inflammation, pains, sleepless nights, stomach problems, mood swings, everything which you cannot think of. I simply have no idea of what next but let’s see. I have survived the worst and I am ready to move ahead in the next phase of my life and I am not aware of how different the next phase of my life will be and what role my God will play in it. I feel he has a very important role to play because has tested me much more than usual so the plan cannot be conceptualized by a human mind but a universal mind.
When you don’t understand much it is better to surrender to the process because when you do that you don’t get anxious and are at peace because when you can’t light a torch and have to move in the dark you never know what is lying ahead. You can fall into a deep valley or just walk into a vast kingdom of heavens from where you will start your new journey. You don’t know. The only thing which you can do is trust, have faith, and keep moving. Overthinking and fear never serve anyone so just see what is ahead. This universe is amazing because it responds in ways that will blow your mind. It is very difficult to understand God and his plans for you. People say you have free will and when you exercise that you have many choices but then you have to bear the consequences of all the choices which you made. To the extent, I understand the universe I just feel that there are ideas that are planted inside your head by the universe and you have to check what’s next.
Even if you did not choose to be a part of a plan which is much beyond your understanding it is better that you commit to the purpose because now you are part of the Divine Plan. What is Love? If you have loved an invisible living Divine being then you can understand what is true love. Why my God loves me so much in spite of all my flaws is much beyond my own understanding but he does. If I had the option I would have transformed my God into a visible person but he was not ready for that. I wrote so much for him by transforming him into a “Man who changed my life for a lifetime”. He gave me much more than I ever thought of. Love starts with his name. He never asked for anything but gave me everything. Sometimes I cry so much.
Live your life in a great way. Clear all your past life karmas so that you don’t have to face rebirths. God has given you the option now because this is the divine era of “Kalki Avatar of Narayana”. You have the option to transcend because this earth needs clearing. How much and to what extent the rules will be molded is something I don’t know but I know one thing that we are all set for a New Beginning.
Happy Durga Navami.
